husbands Archives - Page 3 of 13

What Relationships Teach You

What has your relationship taught you? Has your marriage taught you anything new? Are you still studying your spouse or do you try to cram at the last minute when it’s their birthday or your anniversary?

There are times where I find myself always learning a lesson. I’m not saying it in a bad way either. I think that we should be life long learners. More times than not this is just something we say and not something we apply to our lives.

Our relationships are living and breathing. Click To Tweet

Our relationships are living and breathing and we should be learning from them. Here are five lessons that we should be learning.

Facts don’t matter as much as feelings. In a relationship, there are two roads of communicating. The road of facts, and the road of feelings. The stereotype is that men are more factual and that may be, but men are also more emotional than we like to think. Either way, when it comes to communication with our spouse, we have to know which road it appropriate. We can’t be so concerned with the facts that we lose the feeling.

Withdrawal leads to death. No, I’m not talking about physically dying, but the death of the relationship. There are moments in a relationship where our emotions and feelings can run so high that we make decisions that are not good. When we’re not happy or something doesn’t go our way, one of those decisions that we can make is that we can withdraw from the relationship.

Withdrawal from a relationship will lead to being emotional unavailability. It will cripple the relationship. The affection you have, the shared humor, and joy will also leave. It will kill the intimacy and sexual passion.

The lesson here is that we need personal growth. Our growth helps us to deal with our anger or hurt feelings in a way where we do not withdrawal from the relationship. We have to learn to communicate our feelings rather than just act out.

Physical Touch is key. Affection brings us closer together and causes us to stay close. Both you and your partner feel connected to each other when you touch. Not just sexual touch, while that is important. Touching in a non-sexual nature helps improve romance and deepens the romance that you already have. Love thrives the micro-moments of connection and sometimes the best way to create a connection is to reach out and touch your loved one.

Complaining to family and friends doesn’t help. It is easy when you are frustrated with your spouse to turn to family and friends. They will automatically take your side and help you feel validated in your frustration. This actually doesn’t help your relationship. It gives power to these people that should be just reserved just for you and your spouse.

Love is a verb, not just a feeling. If you want your relationship to work, then you have to be intentional in making it work. If you want the love to stay in and through your relationship you have to be willing to say express to your spouse “I’m going to make you a priority in my life. I will pursue and find new ways to make you as happy as I can.” All of this has to do with the attitude in which you approach your relationship.

Discussion Question: What lessons have you learned from your current or previous relationships?

4 Simple Strategies to Strengthen Your Marriage

This is a guest post by fellow Tribe Writer, Phil Ayers. He’s been serving as a pastor of a church just north of Orlando, FL. You can follow him at www.philayers.com

I have been married for more than 26 years. That doesn’t make me an expert, but I have learned a few things in the past couple of decades about making relationships work. If you’re married then you know it’s not always easy to get along. It takes some effort.

Here are four simple strategies to help you grow closer as a couple.

Find A Common Enemy

12 years ago, my wife and I were in deep, deep debt. We owed about $70,000 to creditors and that didn’t even include our mortgage. We had problems controlling our spending and we were borrowing money to live beyond our means. Before too long we found ourselves arguing over money and stressed to the max. I’m not saying we were headed for divorce, but we were not happy and the pressure was having a profound effect on our relationship.

At the urging of my father, my wife and I began Financial Peace University, a 12-week program that helps people learn to budget, save, and get out of debt. Suddenly, we weren’t fighting about money problems anymore, we were fighting our money problems together. We joined forces and about 28 months later we were completely out of debt and we have been ever since.

There are lots of things things that couples can focus on fixing together. For example, you can work together on losing weight, fixing up a house, intimacy issues, bad habits, and poor communication. Suddenly the thing that’s causing discord in a marriage is the very thing that helps brings you together.

Find A Common Passion

Men and women are different. We like different things. Maybe he likes to cook and she likes to run. Or, he likes sports and she likes music. Variety in a marriage is a good thing and it’s probably what brought you together. You wouldn’t want to be married to someone who is exactly like you — that would be weird!

However, it’s important to find at least a few activities that both of you like to do together. Often, one person will be willing to participate in the other person’s activity, like when my wife watches sports with me. It’s not her thing, but she knows I like it so we do it together. That’s not what I’m talking about. Try to find something you can both be passionate about equally. While this might be a challenge, it’s an opportunity to find common ground.

Do some research and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe rock climbing or ballroom dancing would be fun. If you’re not that sporty try painting or karaoke. It doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as you both truly enjoy the activity equally.

Plan Time Together

Obviously, your new common interest will allow you to spend some time together, but remember to be intentional about it. We all know how busy life can be. If you don’t schedule events they simply won’t happen. Decide on a good time to be together and then stick to it. Once a week is a good goal to shoot for, but that may be too much at first and your budget may not allow it. Synchronize your calendar (iPhone or Google Calendar is great for this) and schedule your time so that you both can see it. Be militant about it. If you don’t make it a priority it won’t happen.

Plan Time Apart

Really? Time apart is a good thing? Yes, it can be as long as it’s purposeful. Even though you are joined together in marriage you are still two individuals. Everyone needs a little bit of time on their own, and sometimes individuals need time with their own friends. Too many times I have seen husbands or wives become very possessive over their partner’s private time or friendships and that usually leads to problems.

Just like planning time together, planning time apart works best when it’s intentional. My suggestion is to come to an agreement on what kind of time each of you might need alone or with friends. How much time is up to you but I don’t suggest spending more time away from each other than you spend with each other.

It’s a great feeling when you have agreed on time apart because instead of feeling guilty about being away from your spouse you have permission to enjoy your time away. Then, when it’s his or her time to be away from you, there won’t be any feelings of jealousy or resentment because you both are in agreement and you both have opportunities to be on your own.

What do you think? Are you willing to give it a try? If you do, I would love to hear your feedback. If you need some help in this area as a couple, reach out and let me know how I can help.

Thanks for reading.

Why Relationships Matter

Have you ever asked yourself why your marriage matters? Why do you have to be the one to have a successful relationship? Most of us have never really thought about our marriage, our friendships or any other relationships that we have and how they affect the world around us. Why does it matter?

Why My Marriage Matters

My parents got divorced when I was in high school. Children from divorce usually have one or two responses. The first response is that they want nothing to do with marriage. They didn’t have an example of a successful marriage so they don’t see the value in marriage. The second response is that children from divorce want what they didn’t see. They set out to make sure their marriage is one that lasts. I choose the second response. Why does your relationship matter?

As human beings we need relationships. It doesn’t really surprise me that something as great as social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram) which was designed to bring people closer together has actually had the opposite effect. People are feeling more and more alone.

Our spouse should be the primary relationship that we have. It should be foundational for our lives. That’s not to say that your spouse has to be your best friend, but they should be a basis for our relationships.

Your relationship is a model. Whether we want to admit or not, our marriages, friendships and our relationships in general are a model for our children at the least. The way in which you act in relationships is how your children will act in theirs.

I know that this can be hard to balance. We don’t want the motivation for our relationships to be that we are modeling them for someone else or to live up to someone else’s expectation. However, we have to know that as my example of my parents’ divorce, our marriages leave an impression on our children. Good or bad it leaves an impression.

Relationships are vital to our health. I don’t have all the stats, but it makes sense that healthy relationships make you feel better. Negative relationships can cause stress and other health-related issues. We should want to be in healthy relationships. A healthy marriage should be one of our top priorities.

Discussion Question:

How do you value your relationships?