Tag: marriage

Tips for Being Quarantined with Your Spouse

Does it seem like this is the new normal? Hopefully not, keep hope alive that things will go in a different direction than they currently are. Corona-virus seems to be everywhere. Most of us are settling into having to perform most or parts of our job from home. We’re settling into having to do school from home or online for our children. What we didn’t think about was how our marriages would be impacted. 

Is your marriage surviving? How are you and your spouse managing this new atmosphere and being in the same space? The difficulty has been that couples have found themselves confined. People feeling like they are confined will lash out and many people are lashing out at their spouses. There is hope that your marriage will survive, maybe even come out of this time better than how you went into it. Here are some tips to help you and your spouse survive being quarantined together. 

 

  • Set Boundaries

Whether you’re both working from home, or one person is and one person is unemployed or any number of any other combinations you’re going to need boundaries. What you used to do unwind after work is no longer an option. Your spouse keeps interrupting your day to show you funny videos on Youtube, or walking in the background of your Zoom meetings. 

It’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation about boundaries. You don’t want to make each other feel helpless or like a nuisance. Talk about some necessary boundaries that will allow you to complete your work, have some downtime and time together. 

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  • Keep a Schedule

Setting new boundaries will almost automatically lend to creating and keeping a “new” schedule. This will also help keep you off each other’s backs. Making a schedule that divides up the day into sections (like having breakfast together, then time apart for work, then lunch together, and so on and so forth) will help the day-to-day feel more normal, which in turn will decrease depression or anxiety that can cause issues in your relationship. So give yourselves a new schedule that fits your day.

 

  • Special Date Night

Before shelter-in-place, what did you do for a date night or to spend time together just as a couple? Did you have a designated date night with dinner and a movie? Maybe you used to go for a hike together? Did you visit new places throughout your city to explore together? Did you make a special meal together?

 Keep that practice up as best you can while still staying home and practicing social distancing. It’s the “prioritizing time for your relationship” part that’s important, so keep that date night and get creative. Since we’re all now spending too much time in front of our screens, maybe have a no-screen night, making a meal together and then playing a board game or just talking. Or, if you usually went out to the movies for date night, hang some sheets, make a fort, and have a movie night that way. Love music? Watch a virtual concert or performance. There are all kinds of ways to keep the magic alive, even in close quarters.

 

  • Communicate

Want to know the secret to a happy, healthy relationship? Communicate. Want to know the secret to a happy, healthy relationship when you are legally obligated to be all up in each other’s faces for weeks on end? Communicate. Now is when it’s especially important to take the time to talk AND listen to your partner. Be an Active Listener. Set aside time throughout the week to check in with each other and get things off your chest. And that doesn’t just mean sharing how you’re feeling; also discuss real-world concerns like financial matters (especially if you or your spouse have been laid off, furloughed, or had their hours reduced) to make sure you’re on the same page.

 

  • Be Kind

Right now, maintaining a good head-space is difficult. We may forget small things we normally wouldn’t. There may be snapping at each other over tiny things. We may not fully be feeling or acting like our normal selves. When you walk in and see that sink full of dishes or are given a curt answer when you ask a question, take a deep breath and try to let it go. We all need some compassion and understanding right now, so try to cut your partner some slack. And if there are things they’re doing that are truly driving you batty, cool off and then talk about it with them in a productive way (re communicating and setting boundaries).

 

  • Discussion Question:

How are you and your spouse handling being quarantined together?

A Heart of Thanksgiving

Did you know that being thankful is a lifestyle. We tend to think that it’s just an attitude or an emotion. True thankfulness goes deeper than that. We’ve settled for just saying “Thank You,” and think that is all being thankful is about. 

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” …-William Arthur Ward

Did you know that being thankful is a lifestyle. We tend to think that it’s just an attitude or an emotion. True thankfulness goes deeper than that. We’ve settled for just saying “Thank You,” and think that is all being thankful is about. 

This is the attitude that we bring into our marriages. The other day I was watching one of my newly favorite shows Fresh Off The Boat. I know I’m behind, but hey that’s the benefit of streaming services. I can watch when I want. 

A New But Familiar Scene

Anyway back to the episode that I was watching. It was one where the kids in the family had lice. In a comical way the mother was watching out for the kids and in the process contracted lice. The husband decided to leave the house so he could still work. Through this he learned a lesson about how much his wife does for the family. That was when you saw the light bulb go off and he was thankful for her. 

Too many times we treat being thankful like in the scene that I described above. We’re not truly thankful until something happens and removes something or someone from our life. Once we realize that it’s gone then we’re thankful. 

The scene above also can describe our marriages. Most men aren’t really thankful for their spouses until they are left in a situation where they have to take care of the kids and take on more duties for the family. That shouldn’t be. 

Approaching thankfulness this way makes it situational and too easily to forget. We want to have a heart of thankfulness. It’s better for us and our marriages if we can live a life that is full of thankfulness. It can be done, but it’s a process of growth just like everything else. 

1. Have a Gratitude List Every Day

It can be easy to forget the things we need to be thankful for if they are not at the top of our minds. I’m a big fan of journaling. As a way to bring some perspective to your day and preparing for it. As you journal it’s good to just everyday do a list of things that you are grateful for. 

Making this a practice that you do everyday is great for developing a heart and lifestyle of thankfulness. 

2. Be What You Want to See

Most of us want someone to be thankful for what we bring to the table. Whether it is what we do at our jobs or in our marriages, we want to feel appreciated and have someone be thankful for us. 

If we want to feel gratitude, then we have to give gratitude. The best way to develop a heart of thankfulness is to begin to show thankfulness to others. Your spouse should be the first one in line experience your new thanksgiving. 

3. Expect Nothing in Return

It’s not being truly thankful if you only do things for the response that you get. It won’t be from your heart if you you’re always looking for someone to acknowledge what you did. You’re thankfulness is then selfishness because you like the feeling you get when your act is recognized. 

It’s time to develop a thankful heart. This can take your self development, and your marriage to the next level. 

Discussion Question: 

What do you do to show thankfulness?

Growth is Intentional

Are you able to tell when you are being driven by your emotions? The stereotype is that men aren’t emotional and that everything with them is at the surface level. 

That is a lie. Men can be just as emotional as women. What most have failed to realize is that it will manifest differently. Pushing down your emotions is not gender specific. Neither is wearing them on your sleeve. Do you know yourself well enough to know how your emotions impact you? 

As I learn about myself and with the help of my wife I’m beginning to see how my emotions impact me. Early on in our marriage, I didn’t talk much.  I would wait until everything seemed like it was too much for me to keep on the inside and then I would want to vent. 

For me, I handled my emotions like this because I never grew up knowing how to handle and process my emotions. 

Now I am able to process and talk about my emotions a little faster. I may not express them  in the moment,but I’m growing in effectively communicating in a healthy time frame. 

Commit to Growth

We should all have a process of growth. Growing is going from where we are now to a version of us that  masters every part of our lives. We have to grow mentally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Emotional growth is learning about how our emotions affect us. 

Becoming a better man doesn’t just happen when you reach a certain age. Your development as a person has to be intentional. 

If we were talking about money, we don’t wake up one day and become a millionaire, no we grow in our financial literacy and how to handle money. 

Read, Read, Read

The most successful people in any area are active readers. It doesn’t matter if it’s finances, marriages, or productivity, you have to become a reader. There are so many tools at your disposal to help with this. If you don’t like paper books, you can get ebooks. Maybe the thought of buying a book makes you nervous, then most libraries have an app where you can borrow the paper book or e-book or an audio book. The point is that you have to continue to educate yourself. Growth is intentional. 

Discussion Question:

What is one area that you want to grow in?