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Conversations, Conversations

“Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” This is one of the most famous movie lines from the Rush Hour movies.

Communication is two parts; what is being said and how it is being received. What types of conversations are you having? How are they being perceived? We have to be considerate of both of parts, especially when it comes to the conversations we have with our spouses.

When You Walk into a Room

Have you ever walked into a room where a couple was just arguing? It’s like you can feel the tension in the room. You have just walked into the most awkward and uncomfortable room in the entire house. You will almost make up something, anything else to do in order to get out of that room. Have you been the person having the conversation?

The types of conversations that we have are just as important as the conversations themselves. With our spouses there shouldn’t be any barriers or walls between us and them. Yes, we can talk to just about anyone, but there is a difference between talking to someone and having a conversation.

Talking vs Conversations

Talking to someone happens during the course the day. That it a natural part of who we are. We can talk about the weather, sports, the latest sale or great deal we got. A conversation shows that we are invested. Conversations are where we are truly giving of ourselves. Those are the deep conversations that we have with just a small group of people.

So what types of conversations are we having?

Surface. These conversations don’t really have any depth to them. You talk about some of the things that I mentioned earlier. Guys we can be really good at these. Talking about our favorite sports team would fall into this category. My friends and I have recognized that we can surface conversations and not realize it.
Basic. These conversations may be the ones that you have with a co-worker. You spend so much time in the same environment that you reveal a little more than a surface conversation. You may talk about your families and children.
Intimate. These are the conversations that you have with only those that are close to you. Your spouse and your best friend may be the only people with whom you have these types of conversations. They know your weaknesses, strengths, fears, and dreams.
Toxic. We probably have more of these conversations than we would like to admit. Toxic conversations are not a benefit to anyone, they actually are attempts to put up walls between you and the other person.

So what type of conversations are you having? The good news is that you control which type of conversation you’re having. You can move through the different categories as you want. Our lives should be full of basic and intimate conversations. These are the ones that will push us to be a better person.

Marriage Beliefs

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. Mignon McLaughlin

Marriage Beliefs

Where do our beliefs about marriage stem from? Most people haven’t thought about this. We might entertain the idea of getting married one day. Or we once we are married we think about what we want our marriage to be. The above quote shows what that person believes about marriage and where their marriage beliefs come from. If you want to know the core of what they believe about marriage just change the topics of conversation and listen to them talk.

What We See

I remember I was on Youtube and a young artist,was being interviewed. The host did just what I described above. They steered the conversation towards marriage and asked this young man what he thought about marriage. His response is what caught my attention. He said that he didn’t believe in the idea of marriage. Not a huge shocker to hear that from someone today. Then he said he didn’t believe in it because he never saw a successful one. He said that there isn’t anyone around him that has stayed married and then if they are they’re not happy. He’s never seen one work. WOW! What a state to live in.

From listening to this young man talk you understand his beliefs about marriage. He doesn’t like it or care for it. His reason, the core of where this comes from for him; he’s never seen a successful one or one where people were happy.

Our beliefs about marriage come from that same place. What we think and believe about marriage come from ideas that were formed when we’re children. So if our parents, aunts and uncles, friends parents argue, talk bad about their spouse or abuse their spouse, we will think that is what marriage is. Our beliefs are in part formed by what we see modeled in front of us.

I wanted to model something different than what my parents had. They were happy but the end was bad and they got divorced. I want and am building something that will last. I want to make sure that my children have a marriage modeled in front of them that is one of a happy, fulfilled and fun marriage.

What are we modeling and what are we seeing?

You Are a Role Model

“Parents are the ultimate role models for children. Every word, movement and action has an effect. No other person or outside force has a greater influence on a child than the parent.” Bob Keeshan

Being a role model is not an easy thing. I want to the superhero to my children. It’s a true statement when you hear that you’re kids grow up fast. While I may want to be the superhero to them, I also have to balance that with being a real role model. We don’t want to try to be the perfect superhero and forget that we’re the real life example in front of our kids.

Before my wife and I had children we talked about different things that we wanted to do with them. How we wanted to be an example to them. One of the things that we wanted to do was to go on dates with them. My wife with our son and my daughter with me. While they’re too young now, we look forward to this upcoming time.

Every parent should go on dates with their children. There are benefits that we forget or that we neglect. Father’s should take their daughters out. Mother’s taking out their sons. Here are some of the benefits that I see from doing this.

Set the example for how they treat others. Especially for how men or young men treat young women. I refuse to wait until my son is a teenager to then start to show him how to treat a young woman. By showing him how to treat his mother I have to believe that will carry over. When his mother and him go out that will reinforce what I’ve already started in him. He may only be 4 years old now, but I’ve been showing him to open the car door for his mother since he was 2. Now he rushes to do it before I do]

Set the example for [healthy/appropriate interaction. Today’s dating culture has a Netflix and chill mindset. We should be taking opportunities to show our sons and daughters what a real date is like. Going out to do something fun. We teach them how to go out and have an experience that is more than dinner and movie. They will also do and expect what they see us do. SO, if all they see us do is go out to dinner and movie, then they will expect the same level.

Teach them how to have communicate. The more we involve ourselves with social media and the trend that we’re seeing where everything is moving online, there is a lost art of being able to have a conversation with someone. Going out and spending time with your children gives you that opportunity to do just that. We as parents can give them the confidence and skills to hold a conversation.

Discussion Question

If your children are already adults, you can do with this your grandchildren. What are things that you want to do with your sons/daughters that will set a standard for them?