This is a guest post by fellow Tribe Writer, Phil Ayers. He’s been serving as a pastor of a church just north of Orlando, FL. You can follow him at www.philayers.com
I have been married for more than 26 years. That doesn’t make me an expert, but I have learned a few things in the past couple of decades about making relationships work. If you’re married then you know it’s not always easy to get along. It takes some effort.
Here are four simple strategies to help you grow closer as a couple.
Find A Common Enemy
12 years ago, my wife and I were in deep, deep debt. We owed about $70,000 to creditors and that didn’t even include our mortgage. We had problems controlling our spending and we were borrowing money to live beyond our means. Before too long we found ourselves arguing over money and stressed to the max. I’m not saying we were headed for divorce, but we were not happy and the pressure was having a profound effect on our relationship.
At the urging of my father, my wife and I began Financial Peace University, a 12-week program that helps people learn to budget, save, and get out of debt. Suddenly, we weren’t fighting about money problems anymore, we were fighting our money problems together. We joined forces and about 28 months later we were completely out of debt and we have been ever since.
There are lots of things things that couples can focus on fixing together. For example, you can work together on losing weight, fixing up a house, intimacy issues, bad habits, and poor communication. Suddenly the thing that’s causing discord in a marriage is the very thing that helps brings you together.
Find A Common Passion
Men and women are different. We like different things. Maybe he likes to cook and she likes to run. Or, he likes sports and she likes music. Variety in a marriage is a good thing and it’s probably what brought you together. You wouldn’t want to be married to someone who is exactly like you — that would be weird!
However, it’s important to find at least a few activities that both of you like to do together. Often, one person will be willing to participate in the other person’s activity, like when my wife watches sports with me. It’s not her thing, but she knows I like it so we do it together. That’s not what I’m talking about. Try to find something you can both be passionate about equally. While this might be a challenge, it’s an opportunity to find common ground.
Do some research and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe rock climbing or ballroom dancing would be fun. If you’re not that sporty try painting or karaoke. It doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as you both truly enjoy the activity equally.
Plan Time Together
Obviously, your new common interest will allow you to spend some time together, but remember to be intentional about it. We all know how busy life can be. If you don’t schedule events they simply won’t happen. Decide on a good time to be together and then stick to it. Once a week is a good goal to shoot for, but that may be too much at first and your budget may not allow it. Synchronize your calendar (iPhone or Google Calendar is great for this) and schedule your time so that you both can see it. Be militant about it. If you don’t make it a priority it won’t happen.
Plan Time Apart
Really? Time apart is a good thing? Yes, it can be as long as it’s purposeful. Even though you are joined together in marriage you are still two individuals. Everyone needs a little bit of time on their own, and sometimes individuals need time with their own friends. Too many times I have seen husbands or wives become very possessive over their partner’s private time or friendships and that usually leads to problems.
Just like planning time together, planning time apart works best when it’s intentional. My suggestion is to come to an agreement on what kind of time each of you might need alone or with friends. How much time is up to you but I don’t suggest spending more time away from each other than you spend with each other.
It’s a great feeling when you have agreed on time apart because instead of feeling guilty about being away from your spouse you have permission to enjoy your time away. Then, when it’s his or her time to be away from you, there won’t be any feelings of jealousy or resentment because you both are in agreement and you both have opportunities to be on your own.
What do you think? Are you willing to give it a try? If you do, I would love to hear your feedback. If you need some help in this area as a couple, reach out and let me know how I can help.
Thanks for reading.
