How have you found yourself in a place where you look at your relationship and wonder how you got to that place. None of us go into a relationship thinking of the end. While we don’t think of the end, a relationship can be like taking a road trip with someone. We both need to look for the upcoming signs along the way. There could be construction up ahead, detours or pit stops gas or food. Similarly, in our relationships, we must stay alert on our journey so that a pit stop doesn’t become a dead end.
Our relationship could be headed for trouble but if we’re not paying attention to the signs, we can find ourselves in a place that we didn’t intend. Here are some signs that your relationship is headed for trouble.
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Criticism.
If you spend enough time with someone, there will always be something to criticize them about. It’s like a scolding mother or father wagging their finger, seeing only negative instead anything positive. Under such conditions, you begin to feel like a child and then act like a child. Nothing positive happens in this environment because both people end up walking on eggshells, withdrawing, or getting angry. The safety in the relationship goes away because you can’t trust that your partner is in your corner, and you feel that whatever you do isn’t good enough.
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Micromanagement.
This can feel like criticism at times, but more often micromanaging is about hovering and suffocation: “Here’s what I would suggest.” “Why don’t you try this?” “ What I would say is this.”Micromanagement offers advice not asked for and suggestions not sought. You feel controlled, and maybe, again, like a child. (Men, in particular, have a difficult time with this.) This can make you distrust your spouse. The safety in the relationship goes away because you feel like you are not seen as a capable adult, that you are not heard, that anything you say only sets off another round of advice.
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Lack of appreciation.
This is a close cousin to criticism, but the hard edge is replaced by absence. The fancy dinner you slaved over isn’t criticized so much as ignored. Your efforts go unnoticed or the quick feedback is limited to “not bad.” You do a lot but not much comes back to you in terms of compliments or gratitude. There is no safety in the relationship because you begin to feel invisible, or that what you do doesn’t matter—and over time, maybe you don’t matter. This is less about feeling afraid and more about a lack of meaningfulness; there is nothing to motivate you to give your best to the relationship.
Now that we have a couple of signs to look out for on our relationship road, how do we turn it around and head to a better relationship?
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Realize it’s not about You
Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes can help change the old story that you’ve undoubtedly been telling yourself. It allows you to move toward compassion rather than staying stuck in victimization or resentment. Empathy and compassion are about understanding someone. You don’t always have to agree, but you should be able to understand where the other person is coming from.
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Know your sensitivities.
Which one or two items on the list above are you most sensitive to? Realizing when your sensitivities are being triggered—and possibly leading to an overreaction—is valuable. So many times we don’t know ourselves. We don’t know our triggers or sensitivities. If you can catch it, you have the opportunity to step back, slow down, and try to put in the situation in a better perspective. The starting point is not what the other person does, but about you dealing with old wounds in a different way.
