Tag: relationships

The Avengers of Marriage

There is only one who is all powerful, and his greatest weapon is love- Stan Lee

I’m naturally a DC fan. Mostly because I’m a huge Batman fan, you can ask anyone in my family. With that being said, I also recognize the Grand Canyon-sized hole between the DC and Marvel movies. The Marvel movies were like my Saturday cartoons coming to life. I have enjoyed every minute of the past 10-11 year run of Marvel movies. I was able to watch Avengers Endgame opening weekend. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen it I’m not going spoil it for you.

Watching the Avengers over these past years has me thinking of their personality types, and how they relate to us in our marriages. For this list, I’m going to stick to the core characters. Which one are you?

Iron Man/Tony Stark –

Tony’s story arc (Arc is the progression of the character) has truly been one of growth. He starts out being very selfish and ends up being a mentor to Spiderman and a selfless leader. This is how we tend to be in marriage. We start our marriages being selfish and learn to grow into who we are destined to be. There is always room for growth. We should always be growing in our marriages.

Thor –

Thor started out as being the big gun. He was very cocky in his ascension to the throne in Aasgaard. He expected that everything would be handed to him. It took the loss of just about everyone close to him for him to come to the place at the end where he understands what true leadership is and the value of close relationships. In our marriages we can be like Thor was at the start of his arc. We can come into it swinging a big hammer. Everything has to be our way or the highway. This type of attitude will only lead to a loss. It could be the loss of a job, the loss of our health, the loss of maybe our family before we learn to value those things.

Captain America –

Cap starts out as the American Hero. He does everything by the book. Throughout his arc, he learns right from wrong and to think for himself. He learns to be able to adjust to each situation as it comes up. He sees the gray areas and in those areas, he grows as a person. In marriage, there are very few things that go by any man’s book. Marriage is full of gray areas and we must adjust to each situation as it appears. Our marriages can grow and thrive as we learn to adjust to these spaces.

Hulk/Bruce Banner –

Full disclosure, I did not like the arc of Hulk. There was so much of his story that was overlooked and glossed over. Nevertheless, we can still take a look at him/them. The Hulk/Bruce Banner arc is something we can all learn from. They are two sides of the same coin. Most of the current MCU (Marvel Cinematic Universe) struggle deals with finding balance within. Marriage can be the same way. We can find ourselves seeming like two versions of the same coin. How do we balance being an individual and being a part of a union? It can feel like there are times where we are fighting to be one

Black Widow/Hawkeye –

I am putting these two together for one reason. Throughout the entire MCU, they have been supporting the other characters above. They have moments in various movies where their roles either increase or decrease, but they’ve always been a supporting character. I don’t like it, but there is something here in regards to marriage. There is a time a place where we should be supporting our spouse. None of us, however, should always find ourselves where that is all we do. It can be difficult especially if one spouse has a dominating personality or is charismatic and others are just drawn to them. There is a time to support and there is a time to be supported.

Discussion Question:

Which Avenger are you in your marriage?

4 Simple Strategies to Strengthen Your Marriage

This is a guest post by fellow Tribe Writer, Phil Ayers. He’s been serving as a pastor of a church just north of Orlando, FL.  You can follow him at www.philayers.com

 

I have been married for more than 26 years. That doesn’t make me an expert, but I have learned a few things in the past couple of decades about making relationships work. If you’re married then you know it’s not always easy to get along. It takes some effort.

Here are four simple strategies to help you grow closer as a couple.

Find A Common Enemy

12 years ago, my wife and I were in deep, deep debt. We owed about $70,000 to creditors and that didn’t even include our mortgage. We had problems controlling our spending and we were borrowing money to live beyond our means. Before too long we found ourselves arguing over money and stressed to the max. I’m not saying we were headed for divorce, but we were not happy and the pressure was having a profound effect on our relationship.

At the urging of my father, my wife and I began Financial Peace University, a 12-week program that helps people learn to budget, save, and get out of debt. Suddenly, we weren’t fighting about money problems anymore, we were fighting our money problems together. We joined forces and about 28 months later we were completely out of debt and we have been ever since.

There are lots of things things that couples can focus on fixing together. For example, you can work together on losing weight, fixing up a house, intimacy issues, bad habits, and poor communication. Suddenly the thing that’s causing discord in a marriage is the very thing that helps brings you together.

Find A Common Passion

Men and women are different. We like different things. Maybe he likes to cook and she likes to run. Or, he likes sports and she likes music. Variety in a marriage is a good thing and it’s probably what brought you together. You wouldn’t want to be married to someone who is exactly like you — that would be weird!

However, it’s important to find at least a few activities that both of you like to do together. Often, one person will be willing to participate in the other person’s activity, like when my wife watches sports with me. It’s not her thing, but she knows I like it so we do it together. That’s not what I’m talking about. Try to find something you can both be passionate about equally. While this might be a challenge, it’s an opportunity to find common ground.

Do some research and get out of your comfort zone. Maybe rock climbing or ballroom dancing would be fun. If you’re not that sporty try painting or karaoke. It doesn’t matter what you choose, as long as you both truly enjoy the activity equally.

Plan Time Together

Obviously, your new common interest will allow you to spend some time together, but remember to be intentional about it. We all know how busy life can be. If you don’t schedule events they simply won’t happen. Decide on a good time to be together and then stick to it. Once a week is a good goal to shoot for, but that may be too much at first and your budget may not allow it. Synchronize your calendar (iPhone or Google Calendar is great for this) and schedule your time so that you both can see it. Be militant about it. If you don’t make it a priority it won’t happen.

Plan Time Apart

Really? Time apart is a good thing? Yes, it can be as long as it’s purposeful. Even though you are joined together in marriage you are still two individuals. Everyone needs a little bit of time on their own, and sometimes individuals need time with their own friends. Too many times I have seen husbands or wives become very possessive over their partner’s private time or friendships and that usually leads to problems.

Just like planning time together, planning time apart works best when it’s intentional. My suggestion is to come to an agreement on what kind of time each of you might need alone or with friends. How much time is up to you but I don’t suggest spending more time away from each other than you spend with each other.

It’s a great feeling when you have agreed on time apart because instead of feeling guilty about being away from your spouse you have permission to enjoy your time away. Then, when it’s his or her time to be away from you, there won’t be any feelings of jealousy or resentment because you both are in agreement and you both have opportunities to be on your own.

What do you think? Are you willing to give it a try? If you do, I would love to hear your feedback. If you need some help in this area as a couple, reach out and let me know how I can help.

Thanks for reading.

Why Relationships Fail

How have you found yourself in a place where you look at your relationship and wonder how you got to that place. None of us go into a relationship thinking of the end. While we don’t think of the end, a relationship can be like taking a road trip with someone. We both need to look for the upcoming signs along the way. There could be construction up ahead,  detours or pit stops gas or food. Similarly, in our relationships, we must stay alert on our journey so that a pit stop doesn’t become a dead end.

Our relationship could be headed for trouble but if we’re not paying attention to the signs, we can find ourselves in a place that we didn’t intend. Here are some signs that your relationship is headed for trouble.

 

  1. Criticism.

If you spend enough time with someone, there will always be something to criticize them about. It’s like a scolding mother or father wagging their finger, seeing only negative instead anything positive. Under such conditions, you begin to feel like a child and then act like a child. Nothing positive happens in this environment because both people end up walking on eggshells, withdrawing, or getting angry. The safety in the relationship goes away because you can’t trust that your partner is in your corner, and you feel that whatever you do isn’t good enough.

 

  1. Micromanagement.

This can feel like criticism at times, but more often micromanaging is about hovering and suffocation: “Here’s what I would suggest.”  “Why don’t you try this?” “ What I would say is this.”Micromanagement offers advice not asked for and suggestions not sought. You feel controlled, and maybe, again, like a child. (Men, in particular, have a difficult time with this.) This can make you distrust your spouse. The safety in the relationship goes away because you feel like you are not seen as a capable adult, that you are not heard, that anything you say only sets off another round of advice. 

 

  1. Lack of appreciation.

This is a close cousin to criticism, but the hard edge is replaced by absence. The fancy dinner you slaved over isn’t criticized so much as ignored. Your efforts go unnoticed or the quick feedback is limited to “not bad.” You do a lot but not much comes back to you in terms of compliments or gratitude. There is no safety in the relationship because you begin to feel invisible, or that what you do doesn’t matter—and over time, maybe you don’t matter. This is less about feeling afraid and more about a lack of meaningfulness; there is nothing to motivate you to give your best to the relationship.

 

Now that we have a couple of signs to look out for on our relationship road, how do we turn it around and head to a better relationship?

 

  1. Realize it’s not about You

Putting yourself in the other person’s shoes can help change the old story that you’ve undoubtedly been telling yourself. It allows you to move toward compassion rather than staying stuck in victimization or resentment. Empathy and compassion are about understanding someone. You don’t always have to agree, but you should be able to understand where the other person is coming from.

 

  1. Know your sensitivities.

Which one or two items on the list above are you most sensitive to? Realizing when your sensitivities are being triggered—and possibly leading to an overreaction—is valuable. So many times we don’t know ourselves. We don’t know our triggers or sensitivities. If you can catch it, you have the opportunity to step back, slow down, and try to put in the situation in a better perspective. The starting point is not what the other person does, but about you dealing with old wounds in a different way.